As many of us around the world stop to reflect on the sacrifice that our Lord and savior Christ Jesus made over two thousand years ago; I cannot help but remember the life I was living before beginning my journey of getting to know Him and His wondrous ways.
Somewhere between losing my virginity at 15 and exiting an abusive marriage at 25, my life entered varying levels of sadness, depression, anxiety, poverty, drug abuse, domestic violence, promiscuity, and the list goes on. The years all flew by so quickly and when you are a naive teenager and/or inexperienced ‘woman’ in her twenties you really don’t think much about how time is flying – it can really feel like you will stay young forever. Then all of a sudden you realize how fast time is leaving you and how much of your life was wasted – at least that is how it worked out for me.
My moment of realization came the night I screamed out to God to save my life as my ex-husband stood on my back while I lay face-down in a lily pond he had thrown me in to. I can hardly remember anything except praying for life as my head was under the murky water. Somehow I did lift my head and saw three of my daughters standing in the doorway helpless and crying as he proceeded to hold a post and jump on my back a few times shoving me to the bottom.
Wondrously , I felt the weight lift from my back and I could get up and stand. I quickly got out of the pond and ran to the children, but the abuse followed me in to the house – he was drunk and the argument was over absolutely, positively nothing – nothing at all. I stood shivering at the kitchen counter praying he would get out of my face after I had shuffled the children in to their rooms. Calling the police was impossible – he already took hold of all phones. Terrified, helpless and hopeless I screamed out to God, the only one around us in the wooded area of the secluded farm acreage we lived at. I screamed at the top of my lungs – “GOD, if you get me out of this – I promise – I will never come back to it”.
That was almost ten years ago and I thank God I am alive to simply remember those days although the memories will forever bring grief and torment to my thoughts. Ever since that promise I made in the kitchen I never looked back and I have never forgotten how my life was saved on what could have been an extremely tragic night.
I will never deserve what He [my Lord and savior] did… but I am sure grateful that He did it and even more grateful that He descended to earth so many centuries ago to bring good news of peace, love, happiness, forgiveness and hope for so many of us who are facing dark and scary portions of our lives.
I spent a good decade of my life lost in darkness and confusion – the usual culprits of indulgence in sex, drugs and alcohol. Many moments of “this is it, dead now” – and yet, here I am. Wiser, stronger, more positive than I have ever been in my entire life – further ahead in life than anyone would have ever imagined I could ever get when knowing how far behind I had fallen for so long.
My mother said to me months ago as I pulled up to my office building “I never thought you would make it this far.” – those were some of the most beautiful words I have ever heard – they encouraged me, lifted me and I remember them often.
Why? Why would that sentence make me happy and not sad? Simply this, for my mother to voice that and make that observation and comparison of my life now to my life “then” means I am finally doing things right – I am where I should be and she finally has reason to be proud of me again for the first time in many, many years.
Though I will always be a sinner and always wear the scars and pain of my past and bad decisions – I am a woman of God now, committed to a man of God, raising my family for God – and I NEVER could have “made it this far” without knowing Jesus and the plans God has for my life and family. 💫
Peace and love,
#eastersunday #sunday #domesticviolence #survivor #Jesus #love #life #saved